I love George Carlin (1937-2008). You see, I live by the philosophy that you have to be a skeptic because everyone is full of B.S. and they’re trying to spew it everywhere. I think George Carlin lived by that doctrine, as well. The theme of his comedy was calling people out on their B.S., no matter who they were. I really feel like the world today could still use a voice like Carlin’s, so set back, toke up, and enjoy this collection of funny George Carlin quotes:
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
Religion is just mind control.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
Kenneth Dinkins is a professional stoner, a public consumption specialist for the Coffee Joint, and the Host of the Coffee Joint Podcast.